Give Up

There's a headache growing tentacles
through the skull above my eyes,
spreading nausea down my neck,

I've gotten past the stage
rendering me unable to eat;
missing that as I realize the next step
is hardening arteries, syncopating rhythms
between my upper and lower heart,

but realizing although it works separately
it's all one
heart

and even though I'm home right now,
that doesn't mean I won't stumble out that door
and across this state
to be with the ocean,

doesn't mean I won't give up, won't give up
because my nerves are so tight right now,
you could play a song sounding something like
electricution;

doesn't mean that I don't want to run either
singing lullabies to myself about searching for loneliness
even though, I couldn't stand seven days without you
sighing gusts of wind to move everyone so that I can just be,

There was a time when I was a solitary lightbulb
hanging, austere, in a room with no purpose.
There was a time when I was okay with that.